She came as light from Light in the form of a woman.  

It was uncomfortable and frustrating at first, because she was used to shining with abandon into the darkness and there are ways that the world blocks the light. 

In the beginning, she didn’t understand the shadow and its desire for structure, hierarchy, institutions, power and control, and so she got swept up into it, believing that if she conformed and worked hard to fit in that the shadow would love her back. But the shadow didn’t know how.  The shadow had no appreciation for her light because it had become a very commanding shadow, and wanted to stay that way.  The shadow silenced her and shamed her and told her what and how she ‘should’ be.  

Eventually, her unbridled brilliance learned that shining without restriction was unacceptable.  She was afraid to shine.  She discovered that she had a dimmer, a switch she could use to make sure she did not threaten the shadow or break the shadow’s rules. But the more she used her dimmer, the more she forgot who she was and where she had come from.  She did not question the shadow’s rules, having been convinced by the shadow that the shadow was right.

This frustrated her capacity to give and receive love.  And feel much of anything, actually, that belonged to her.  And so she lost her connection to her true self.  The quality of her light had become a reflection of only that which the shadow desired.    

When she realized this, she raged, trying to fight it.  This sent her even further away from connection because her resentment torched the promise of the love she so longed to know and return to in herself.  

One day, she just took it all inside knowing that her light would burn out if she kept reflecting only to shadow.  As she reflected light to herself, she discovered many fears that the shadow had taught her.  The shadow had made its way inside and convinced her that if she didn’t capitulate and conform that she would be alone. 

But when she took her light inside, she learned she was not alone.  Because when she took the light inside, she discovered other lights breaking through to her light.  And as she became more aware of the light around her, she began to take the risk of shining wildly again.  She threw away the dimmer.  Without the dimmer, she wondered:  What if none of what the shadow had taught her about herself and others was true?   She freed her heart and her mind. And she started asking more of her own questions:  

• What if she stopped dimming her own light? What if she stopped underestimating herself?

• What if she stopped comparing herself to others?

• What if she listened to, and trusted, her own intuition more than the shadow’s lies?

• What if she recognized that life was a tool of discovery and shined on everything that happened as an opportunity to define herself as someone who does what is hers to do?

• What if she made a commitment to herself to stop confounding her desire for self-mastery with her fear of making mistakes (and what the shadow might think about them)?

• What if she stopped being so nice— and got honest— giving herself permission act and speak directly and authentically— without question, restriction, apology, or doubt —because she understood that it wouldn’t hurt anyone or make them less?  

• What if she acted courageously from the light of her own wisdom and power rather than fawning or acquiescing to shadow’s influence masquerading as love, safety and security? 

  What if?  

~Barbara Dugan 20 Feb 2022

Mokuleila Beach House, Oahu, Hawaii